2009’s Sexiest Soap Starlets

Hello sunshines,

It’s round-up time. You know, the time of the year when every Tom, Dick and journalist spews forth lists of Stuff That Happened This Year Because Everyone Is Already On Holiday And There Just Isn’t Any News Happening Right Now But I Still Have Column Inches To Fill. [Ha ha, you said inches! – Ed.]

Oooh real mature Ed, real mature…

I’m a sucker for lists, as well as soap stars and good-looking people, so figured I’d do one too.

2009’s Top 20 Sexiest Soap Starlets:

• Amalia Uys (San-Mari, 7de Laan)
• Adrienne Frantz (Amber, The Young And The Restless)
• Arianne Zucker (Nicole, Days Of Our Lives)
• Ashley Jones (Bridget, The Bold And The Beautiful)
• Connie Ferguson (Karabo, Generations)
• Dawn Matthews (Shakira, Scandal!)
• Eileen Davidson (Ashley, The Bold And The Beautiful/The Young And The Restless)
• Elizabeth Hendrickson (Chloe, The Young And The Restless)
• Hlubi Mboya (Nandipha, Isidingo)
• Jacqueline MacInnes Woods (Steffy, The Bold And The Beautiful)
• Julie Pinson (Billie, Days Of Our Lives)
• Leeanda Reddy (Priya, Isidingo)
• Katherine Kelly Lang (Brooke, The Bold And The Beautiful)
• Kristian Alfonso (Hope, Days Of Our Lives)
• Lauren Koslow (Kate, Days Of Our Lives)
• Marisa Bosman (Kimberly, Isidingo)
• Melissa Reeves (Jennifer, Days Of Our Lives)
• Michelle Botes (Ingrid, Binnelanders)
• Pam Andrews (Gail, Rhythm City)
• Sonia Sedibe (Ntombi, Generations)

And those sexy bitches who didn’t quite make the cut, our Honourable Mentions include:

• Alison Sweeney (Sami, Days Of Our Lives)
• Angelique Gerber (Clara, 7de Laan)
• Eden Riegel (Bianca, All My Children)
• Emily O’Brien (Jana, The Young And The Restless)
• Jena Dover (Christy, Scandal!)
• Jennifer Gareis (Donna, The Bold And The Beautiful)
• Kelly Khuamlo (Sunay, Rhythm City)
• Kim Engelbrecht (Lolly, Isidingo)
• Lesli Kay (Felicia, The Bold And The Beautiful)
• Mary Beth Evans (Kayla, Days Of Our Lives)
• Renee Jones (Lexie, Days Of Our Lives)
• Rolanda Marais (Stefanie, Binnelanders)
• Tracey E Bregman (Lauren, The Young And The Restless)

[Should any of our winners not be able to fulfill their duties as Utterly Sexy All The Time, one of the Honourable Mentions may step in to fill the role. – Ed.]

So, my ever-faithful 7.2 readers, what do you think of my list of sexy soap ladies? Agree? Disagree? Who should be there but isn’t? And who made the cut only because they had the chutzpah to schtupp the judges?

Look out for my list of Hot Soap Hunks tomorrow…

XOXO
Jared “J.Rod” Orlin

And So Are The Days Of Our Young And Beautiful Soaps

Hello sunshines,

You know I’m a soap addict, right? I’m often asked, “But where do you find the time to watch all those soaps?” as people seem to assume that between 16h40 and 19h00 I’m glued to the goings on at Days of our Lives, The Bold and the Beautiful, The Young and the Restless, Isidingo and 7de Laan.

Not true my darling readers [All 7.3 of you – Ed.]
I tend to read ahead in the teasers so I can plan stories in YOU anyway, plus I’m forever following online the storyline machinations writers come up with and, more exciting to me, the behind-the-scenes snippets that rarely get revealed.

Things change continually over in the US, much faster than they do here. Soaps often don’t think twice about hiring someone for the role, rolling out the publicity carpet and then, bang, bam, two months later there’s someone new playing the role. We’re used to it by now but it still gets a bit weird, especially when they give the official excuse: “We’re taking the character in a different direction.”

Question: If you didn’t like the originally scripted plan, why put it into motion, hire an actor and then turn their lives – and fragile egos – upsidedown when you fire them???

Case in point: The Young and the Restless, which enjoys mediocre ratings here but has been the biggest US soap for over 15 years, just fired William Russ as new ruthless billionaire businessman Tucker McCall and replaced him with Days of our Lives alumnus Stephen Nicols. Steve-oh, who’s still airing on our screens as the confused Patch, will be on both soaps at the same time come late 2010. Hey, it ain’t the first time that’s happened either. The droollicious Brandon Beemer is currently playing Days’ Shawn and Bold’s Owen at the same time, which I guess is good news for us as he’s often required to take his shirt off.
Yum…
Yum…
Yummy…

[Oi, snap out of it. There’s work to be done! – Ed.]

Er, right, yeah, sorry…lost my concentration there for a minute…you can see why…

Over at Days of our Lives, whose cast looks completely different these, er, days, they’ve added a grown-up Will (Sami and Lucas’ son) to the mix. First played by Dylan Michael Patton, he’s just been replaced by Chandler Massey, both of whom look as if they’re not even old enough to act, let alone be kissing girls on TV. Luckily for SA audiences we have about three years to wait before the old Salem switcheroo happens. FYI: Chandler is the first pic (BELOW) and jailbait Dylan is just below him.

But the best casting news of the week is the announcement from The Bold and the Beautiful of two new hunks who’ll be in involved in a love traingle with the soon-to-be-turned-into-a-teenager-overnight Hope, Brooke’s daughter with Deacon. In case you’ve forgotten Brooke fell pregnant while having an affair with Deacon who, at the time, was married to her daughter Bridget. Technically Hope should be about six years old at the most, but you know those folks at Bold – any time someone has a kid, he/she will be fed growth hormones off-stage and will suddenly and without warning become 18 years older in the space of two hours, only to die in a car accident two years after that, appearing briefly as a ghost and then disappearing forever until it’s discovered they somehow, miraculously never really died. It’s like magic…

These two good-looking pieces of meat are joining B&B:

This floppy-haired cutie on our left, who goes by the name Zach Conroy, will play Oliver Jones. He’s being described as a goodie who works in the music industry and is ambitious. So long as there’s no painful singing contests [We still haven’t forgiven the show for the blah Rick/Phoebe/Constatine 3-way sing-off – Ed.] we’re excited.

Over on my right is Justin Baldoni, who will play mysterious fashion photographer Graham Darros. Also, quite a looker, neh! It’ll emerge that he has a sinister past with one of the show’s characters. Er, considering this half-hour show now boasts enough talent for an hour-long serial, that could be anyone. No offense Justin and Zach, ya’ll are cute and I’ll reserve judgement until you start airing here in a year’s time, but with so many new characters where does this leave space and time for beloved existing characters to get storyline???

But what do I know, I just write ABOUT the soaps, I don’t actually pen their scripts.

Until tomorrow,
Always keep it real…
J.Rod

PS: Isidingo is also thinking of upping its eye-candy factor, which is sorely needed since the departures of Emmanuel Castis and Owen Meyer. They’re looking for a buff, muscled black guy to hopefully sweep Nandipha off her feet. Oh, and the brief says he must be able to act. Whew, so that rules out anymore politician’s children joining the show. Praise Buddha!

How To Make The Perfect Celeb: A Recipe

Hello sunshines,

I’m having a Frankenstein moment. No, I’m not a green monster with bad skin whose vocab consists of “grrr” and “urgh” [Although some of your exes might disagree – Ed.]

I’m talking Frankenstein in the original, literary sense of the word. I might write soapie stories and celeb gossip for a living, but I do have a degree in, like, English Literature, like, from the University of Witwatersrand, like, you know. Despite his probable necrophiliac tendencies, Dr Franky took bits and bobs of people to create his…well…monster. And while some would say Becks is already the perfect celeb, that squeaky voice is at least three strikes and yerr out mister!

So here’s my recipe to create the perfect SA celeb (male of course, ladies, we’ll do you another time):

Ingredients:
1 x rippling six-pack of Janez Vermeiren
1 x height of Ryk Neethling [PS: Like Becks, that accent should go. Half-Afrikaans, half-American is fully bad bru – Ed].
1 x track lines of Dieter Voigt from Pasella and a former Mr SA winner. You know, those muscley ‘directional markers’ that indicate the direction from six-pack to groin. Holy hotness Batman!
1 x hair of Jacques Terre’blanche. It’s blonde and you can spike it!
1 x biceps of Maurice Page (Isidingo’s Calvin)
1 x chiselled jaw of Heino Schmidt (7de Laan’s Altus)
1 x voice of Loyiso Bala. They croon, we swoon, maybe there’ll be something with spooning later [Or forking???!!! – Ed.]

1 x naughty boy smile AND sense of humour of comedian Trevor Noah
1 x down-to-earthness of Danny K
1 x tattoos of Shona Ferguson (Scandal!’s Alex)
1 x impeccable dance moves of HHP
1 x good taste in music of 5FM’s Grant Nash

Mix the above into a large bowl, vat or warehouse of designer clothing. Stir vigorously.
And hope for the best.

Can you picture him?

Yup, he’s hot and nice and sexy and he can bust a move and sing too.

You can thank me later…
J.Rod

And Kristian Makes 10

Hello sunshines,

Best news of the day:

My weeks of trying to pin down Kristian Alfonso from Days Of Our Lives have come to fruition. I’m interviewing the actress, who’s played Hope Williams Brady, on and off since 1983, later today.
Can’t. Frikkin. Wait.

Random Trivia: Kristian is the tenth actor I’ve interviewed from Days, after Lauren Koslow (Kate), Bryan Dattilo (Lucas), Christie Clark (Carrie), Rachel Melvin (Chelsea), Peter Reckell (Bo), Judi Evans (Bonnie), Brody Hutzler (Patrick), Wayne Northtrop (Roman/Alex) and Alison Sweeney (Sami). [Jeez, talk about bragging! – Ed.]

I’ve got a million questions with only 45 minutes to ask them all in…no pressure!
So what do you, my dear 6.3 readers, think I should ask her?

J.Rod

A Queer Little Poll

Hello Sunshine,

I came across this little homosnippet on the world’s biggest gay icons [Presumably meant in terms of popularity, not physical size – Ed.] and it lead me to some mental machinations that I felt worthy of reflection and/or debate:

OnePoll.com [Er, who? – Ed.] recently conducted a survey of “over five thousand gay men and women” and came up with what is being touted as a definitive, all-encompassing list of the top gay icons of all time. Their findings:

Top Ten Male Celebrity Gay Icons of All Time:
1. Elton John
2. Freddie Mercury
3. Stephen Fry
4. George Michael
5. Oscar Wilde
6. Will Young
7. Alan Carr
8. Paul O’Grady
9. Boy George
10. David Beckham

Top Ten Female Celebrity Gay Icons:
1. Judy Garland
2. Kylie Minogue
3. Madonna
4. Cher
5. Liza Minnelli
6. Marilyn Monroe
7. Shirley Bassey
8. Lily Savage
9. Dusty Springfield
10. Barbra Streisand

It seems to me that very few South African homosexuals were asked to partici-pay-te in this online wankery and the whole thing, seems a tad too British. Which is all very well and good if your nearest subway station is Islington and you like your ‘lip’ both ‘stiff’ and ‘upper’. But for those of us living in the shadow of Table Mountain or who battle the seemingly neverending Gautrain roadworks, a “Mzansi fo sho” approach is needed.

So, drumroll please, herewith J.Orl’s List Of Top South African Gay Icons Of All Time…Like, Ever:
…and because we’re not genderist [And/or there just wasn’t time to do two seperate lists – Ed.] we’re offering a gender-neutral list. Because fag hags and lesbians can be icons too ya’know…

In no particular (alphabetical) order, they are:

Cherel de Villers-Haines – Okay, so she’s not on Isidingo anymore, in fact she’s not even a real person, but we love and miss the campness of her villainous acts, which included murder and kidnapping, but all – and this is the important bit dahlings, while looking totally stylishious.

Ian von Memerty & Sandy Ngema (joint award) – They’re not gay but the two, who present Strictly Come Dancing, are full of witty one-liners, don’t take themselves too seriously and are so fag-friendly they probably watch Brothers & Sisters just to see what Scotty and Kevin are up to.

Joost van der Westhuizen – What could be more gay than slutty relations involving drugs? But next time Joostjie, lose the holy undies and get yourself some Calvin Klein boxers. Tres sexier, darling!

Karen Zoid – This is one rock chick who’s rock chic, and who never forgets her moffie fans. Dankie Karen, ons wardeer jou!

Khanyi Mbau – Oh, the dramz of Miss Thing’s A-list life is just too addicitive for us gays to pass up. She surrounds herself with a gaggle of gay boys, is always dressed impeccibly, gets into catfights and says bitchy things like “Uyanda Mbuli is old” and “I hate Kelly Khumalo, who’s pregnant by the way”. Plus she unashamedly loves rich men. Methinks Khanyi might actually be a gay man trapped in a straight woman’s body.

Nataniel – For obvious reasons, I won’t go into this one. Even if he is a bottom [Oh, that’s a terrible pun – Ed.]

Patricia Lewis – Show me a Pretoria drag queen who doesn’t want to impersonate Poppie and I’ll tattoo her name across my nipples.

PJ Powers – While she’s never publicly admitted to batting for the other team, PJ is an ardent supporter of gay rights. [And a big ‘ol lesbian, maybe??? I’m not saying! – Ed.]

Robert Whitehead – Isidingo’s bad boy business tycoon Barker Haines is one of the country’s few openly-gay, A-list, working actors. [And a delightful old queen in real life – Ed.]

Tannie Evita Bezuidenhout – SA’s first lady of drag, ambassador to Bapetikosweti and Dieter Dirk Uys’ legendary alter-ego. Oooooh liewe skatties, sy’s mooi neh?

Honourable mentions: Edith Venter for being refreshingly down-to-earth and the closest thing SA has to Liz Taylor, Kuli Roberts for being fabulous, Rowan Cloete for not being shy to whip off his shirt, Dieter Voigt for not being shy to whip off his shirt, Janez Vermeiren for not being shy to whip off his shirt…you get where this is going, right?

Peace, love and six packs (the non-beer variety) to ya’ll,
Jared ‘J.Orl’ Orlin

PS: I know I said I’d blog daily and four days in I already missed a day, but my iBurst didn’t work in Hartebeestpoort Dam where I was attending/covering Darren Scott’s wedding [Which, by the way, was to Sarah-Kate Seaward and not Liza van Zyl, as reported in Monday’s The Star – Ed.]
Begging forgiveness to my 4.2 readers…

Sending Out An S.O.S For Miss SA

Hello sunshines,

Question: Did anyone catch the live broadcast of Miss South Africa 2009 on SABC 3 last night? Another question: Did it look as dull on TV as it did from my vantage point on table 8?
A further question: Is the pageant breathing its last?

I certainly, sincerely hope not. But in an era where Tiger Woods’ and Joost van der Westhuizen’s sexcapades are full-pages newspaper headlines (and sell, nogal!) two things are very clear to me:

Thing #1
The pageant’s glory days – where the likes of Anneline Kriel, Michelle Bruce, Margaret Gardiner and Diana Tilden-Davis were A-list celebs just by donning the sash and waving their perfectly manicured hands to the crowds – are over.

Thing #2
Our new reigning beauty, Nicole Flint, certainly has her work cut out for her. Over the last few years interest in the pageant has declined as steadily as the Rand-Dollar, Obama’s approval rating and my sex life. Can we afford for even fewer people to care? Of course not! Particularly because Tiger and Joost dominate headlines we need good, clean, slightly-boring-even celebs to balance it out on some kind of cosmic scale of celebrities. Like the climate change folks say ‘We’re at a tipping point ya’ll’ and if we go too far down the slippery slope of smut and scandal, there is no turning back.

But enough with the doom and gloom already, let’s get to the good part:
What went down:

Everyone was shocked that a black contestant didn’t win. Think about it: we’ve had two coloured girls in a row and before that a whitey. The last time a black girl won, George Dubble-Ya was still in the White House and the world hadn’t yet heard of Lady Gaga [Yes, such a time does exist. I’ve looked it up on Wikipedia so it must be true. – Ed.] The Sixth Law of Beauty Pageants states that for every white girl winner, there shall be an equal, opposite (or blend thereof) winner to balance out the spectrum of our rainbow nation [Guess the Asian community never got that memo, huh? – Ed.] Jaws literally popped open when the two black ladies in the final five were not announced as winners. [It was almost as shocking as Penny Lebyane’s performance as wooden, autocue-reading, bad-joke-cracking hostess – Ed.] Still, I’m going to give Nicole a whole lot of leeway and the benefit of the doubt because a) she impressed me during our interview and b) head judge Sonia Raciti-Oshry, who also happens to have clinched the title in 1998 so she knows a thing or two about these things, was pleased as punch with the choice. Which brings me nicely to my first memorable quote of the evening…

“Nicole is as tall as I am and I placed third at Miss World” – 1,72-metre-tall Sonia Raciti-Oshry on 1,72-metre-tall Nicole Flint.

Other quotable quotes from the night:

“Gibraltar? I thought it was just a rock, not a country” – The Star’s Therese Owen couldn’t believe a Gibraltan is Miss World. [Er, is Gibraltan even a word? – Ed.]

“So, the SABC – a hectic place to work” – hostess with the mostess Penny Lebyane tries her hand at stand-up comedy.

“Those ladies are here every year” – YOU’s senior photographer Dino Codevilla innocently pointing out Sun International efficient PR team. No Dino, they don’t go to the opening of an envelope. They organise envelope openings.

“This is Jared and he’s just started a blog about the entertainment scene in South Africa” – Cindy Nell, trying hard to win the award for best former Miss SA turned publicist as she introduces me to top-notch, high-level Sun International employees. [Who’d probably much rather be getting drunk at the free bar. – Ed.]

And, dear reader, if you’ve managed to read this long-winded, convoluted post this far, your efforts were not in vain. I have some (cleanish) gossipy bits for you…

The Gossipy Bits:

Which supposedly straight celeb, who’s married, has everyone – and I mean EVERYONE – talking about how obvious it is he/she bats for the other team???

Which celebs’ boobs are these??? [Hint: she’s a beauty queen. And no it’s not Bassie Kumalo – Ed.]

Until next time, in the words of Louis Gossett Jnr in those beer ads, “Always keep it real.”
Jared ‘Jarhead’ Orlin

PS: Here are some snaps of me with some famous people.

Miss Congeniality

Hello sunshine!

Miss World, Miss South Africa – which is which, and why do we care? Good question! Allow me to clarify:

South Africa hosted the Miss World pageant last year as well as 2009’s pageant, which took place last night. Originally South Africa was supposed to host in 2010 too [Because we’re hosting all the good stuff next year – Ed.] but Wikipedia informs me it will be in Vietnam. Maybe that’s because we paid a small fortune to host it and then downplayed the costs. Ooooops!

Anyway, last year’s Miss World was held at the Sandton Convention Centre and was won by pretty blonde Miss Russia, Ksenia Sukhinova, who speaks absolutely no English, making her a perfect global ambassador for an alternative reality where Russian is the predominantly spoken language, the mafia rules the world and vodka burbles forth for kiddies’ juice bottles the world over [Such cultural stereotypes, sies! – Ed.]. The reigning Miss South Africa at the time, Tansey Coetzee, placed in the top five – proof that there is such a thing as “home-turf advantage”.
This year’s pageant took place at Gallagher’s Estate in Midrand and Miss Gibraltar, Kaiane Aldorino, took the crown, the first time a Miss Gib has won it, by the way. Miss South Africa, Tatum Keshwar, one of the most deserving Miss SA winners in my opinion in a long time, is second princess. [Hey, at least she did better than Tansey – Ed.]

Okay, so that’s Miss World. Miss South Africa 2009 takes place tonight in Sun City. Yes, they’re a day apart. But remember Sun City owns the pageant rights to Miss SA and Miss World is owned by Brit, Julia Morley. In order for the reigning Miss SA to compete, it has to happen during her reign, thereby allowing one lovely lass to compete in August’s Miss Universe and December’s Miss World. It takes, believe it or not, time to prep for these things. Dresses need to be organised, speeches practised, etc, so you can’t exactly crown a new Miss SA and send her kicking and screaming [And not in a ‘talent contest’ kinda way – Ed.] to the wolves a short while later and expect her to do well at Miss World. Not gonna happen ya’ll! Hence, why Miss SA takes place the day after Miss World. Assuming Wiki is right and Vietnam has it next year that may change things as it does give a nice sense of continuity to have the previous winner hand over the crown, and a peck on each cheek, to her replacement. Unless teleportation or time travel become commercially viable in the next, say 11 months, I just don’t see it happening. But such matters are not our cause for concern…

Anyway, a little later today, I head off to Sun City to say hasta la vista to Tatum and shalom to Miss South Africa 2009 [She may reign in 2010, but her title is the year in which she was crowned, go figure! – Ed.]. The itinerary:
13h00 Meet photographer at the YOU magazine offices and drive through to Sun City.
15h00 Get there.
15h30 Chill by the pool at the Palace, where we’re staying [I’m jealous – Ed.]
19h00 Gala dinner and crowning of the winner.
22h00 We partaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
0730 (the next morning) I conduct the first interview with the new winner in her suite, followed by a photoshoot later that day.

There will be plenty former Miss SAs there tonight, plus lots of other schlebs, plebs, socialites – and hopefully a soap star or two. I’ll take pics. Should be fun.

Later ya’ll,
Jared ‘Jay-Rod’ Orlin

The Challenge

Hello sunshine…
and welcome to my brand-spanking, shiny, new blog, with the vaguely alliterative title Adventures In Entertainment.
The reason for relocating, renovating, recalculating, recalibrating (and other verbs that start with ‘re’) is threefold:

The First Fold: My previous blogs had no direction. How, I ask you, is it possible for someone who rubs shoulders with South African and international celebrities, and with his finger on the pulse of the SA entertainment scene, to not know what to blog about?????!!!! The answer is a resounding ‘Duh!’. It may be a cliche but the saying “write what you know” is very applicable in this case methinks.

The Second Fold: The blog lacked a challenge. That’s easy, although in this case like a good little journalist I shall quote my source – the Meryl Streep/Amy Adams feel-good flick Julie & Julia in which a frustrated writer (could that be me???) challenges herself to write daily in her blog. While I have zero intention of mastering the art of French cooking, I do intend to post — and it’s best I say this part in capital letters — EVERY SINGLE DAY WITHOUT FAIL UNTIL THE END OF DECEMBER 2010 (or until the world ends… a disclaimer, just in case- Ed.)
Ok, whew, there I said it. If it’s down in print you can hold me to it. The commitment is now made. Officially! [Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! – Ed.]

The Third Fold: The entertainment industry is a small world, not very accessible to the so-called unwashed masses (no offense meant to stinky people) and I’m, well…let’s face it…not exactly the type of person who gets starstruck easily. I’ve spent enough time hanging out with celebs at parties, in their homes and in my home, to know what I’m talking about. Which I’d say puts me in a unique position to write about the players in the game and what they’re *reaaaaaaaaally* like!

Bring. It. On.

This is gonna be fun!
See ya tomorrow ya’ll…

Jared ‘J.Orl’ Orlin

PS: Here’s a pic of me. Just in case you’re interested, dear reader.